Three great articles about adult meltdowns with Aspergers.

I came across three great articles on meltdowns and how to cope with them, for adults with aspergers or autistic spectrum disorder. They are on Tumblr and may be difficult to find sohere are the links:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

Losing my only social outlet.

I am not very sociable, but I feel I need social contact with others and my family want me to have more. My social contact can be divided into three parts:

1. Work
2. Family
3. Brass band

The idea was to expand this a bit and get a bigger social circle, maybe even a friend. But it all went badly wrong and contracted rather than expanded.

I really did enjoy being part of the band, but they had a reshuffle and decided to offer me a lower position. I felt this might be because my performance in the run up to the last contest had been not as good. The reason I felt was that changes to the parts at the last minute had upset my playing of the part. This was autism related so I decided to tell the band committee about my condition in the hope that they might see some adaptation possible to improve my performance if they kept me in a more demanding role. This backfired badly and I got the impression that it just cemented their decision. Their reasoning was that my playing ability was not in question, they just want younger players. I felt that playing a lower part would stifle my interest in practising and make me a worse player so I declined and had to leave. There was just no way they were going to back down. I feel discriminated against, not just because of my autism, but also my age.

What I did not know was that several other people had been hit with the same argument and had left (five or six in total). They are having a real clear out and bringing in new players. I only found this out this morning after a sleepless night preceded by some self harm.

So now I have lost a third of of my social contact and am a step backwards rather than a step forwards.

Anxietyand aspergers.

It has been a while since I posted anything here. I have been struggling with a bout of anxiety and self harm. Was prescribed an anti anxiety medication which, after one tablet, knocked me out for 48 hours and I did not recover from it for over a week. Apparently sensitivity to some kinds of medication can be part of my autism so prescribing it was probably not a wise mood. Thankfully I am on Propranalol (two 40mg tablets daily with the option of a third of needed). This is helping significantly. I have also started attending a local group assisting people with aspergers who struggle with anxiety issues. This is using the five areas approach.

I also bought this book which gives examples of how people cope with different aspects of living with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. Anxiety is one of the top issues identified by aspies polled by the author:
Been There. Done That. Try This!: An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth
I keep seeing things in it that I recognise and some of the ideas for coping with anxiety seem to be helping me.

Work meltdown imminent.

Arrived at work this morning on the verge of a melt down. I will do my best to avoid it, but its not going to be easy.

Accepting my limitations.

One of the advantages of knowing I have Aspergers syndrome is that it has allowed me to accept my limitations. I used to get very frustrated that I was not sociable enough, or not able to learn the same way others do, or was easily distracted or absorbed by things. These days I worry less about this because I know there is very little ability for me to change these things.

I used to feel that I should have made more of myself in my career or in my musical activities, but now I realise I have done very well at these things and realistically could not have gone any further with them.

I have a very happy life and am very content.

Poor muscle tone with Aspergers Syndrome

An interesting article on what "poor muscle tone" means by Gavin Bollard:

"Low muscle tone refers mainly to the distribution of muscles on the body, their initial state, speed and stamina. The affected muscles can be "trained" but that training won't come from sport or from and normal gym/weight training. It comes from some very specialized training - and it won't be 100% effective. In young children, the problems of low muscle tone will reduce in severity as they get older - up to about the age of 10, though aspies will likely continue to adjust and compensate for the rest of their lives."

Read the full article here:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.co.uk/2008/04/what-does-low-muscle-tone-hyptonia-mean.html

How this affects me:

I have always had very flexible finger, toe and ankle joints. I also have quite poor fine motor skills and the combination of the two means that I have posture, grip and occasional injury issues. Its not the end of the world, but it is definitely a feature of my Aspergers.

Autism and evolution

There is some talk in the Aspergers community that Aspergers syndrome could be an indication of a next stage of evolution leading to a more advanced human. I disagree. I I think there are a number of features of autism which point to earlier forms of the human brain rather than future ones.

Temperature control problems – possibly related to the adaptations that took place during evolution from cold blooded to warm blooded. I am writing this with one painfully cold hand and one hot hand!

Identifying food by simple known flavours – possibly related to having to identify safe foods.

“Self obsession” – Its not selfishness but linked to survival, putting personal needs first.

Difficulties with tight or itchy clothing

Sensitivity to being touched – detection of close threat through hairs.

Sensitivity to sharp sounds – ditto.

This list could be expanded.

In fact I see a lot of similarity between my autistic traits and those of some animals. Its as if my brain is slightly wired up like those of my distant ancestors.

However, I can see some of these traits having an evolutionary advantage. For example, in a world where people are becoming more individualised and friendship is being redefined around social media and  people don't  interacting socially with each other as much as they used to,  an autistic person is likely to be able to survive better as they do not miss that social interaction. Also, dating is easier for autistic people nowadays because of online dating. There is therefore a greater chance of us marrying, having children and passing on our genes.

What do you think?

Good article about the concept of friendship for autistic people from @aspieretro

Interesting article discussing friendship and the concept of "best friend" from someone with Aspergers:

http://www.mindretrofit.com/2013/12/29/i-dont-have-a-bestie/

"Several of them shared the similar patterns requesting my time and attention when needed, but they had other friends who fulfilled their other needs – the more fun, entertaining, types of things. I am goof ball and I did share in a lot of fun and silliness, but for them it was not the same. I get serious too quickly. I talk about things that people do not want to think about. My goofiness comes and my oddities make them laugh, but it is not the same. We did not share in the same ways as they shared with other friends. I understand that, but it makes for a lonely feeling at times. I never truly feel alone, alone because I am comfortable with myself. I find pleasure in being silly with myself. I make myself laugh all the time. I find creatures to be quite good friends – though the conversations tend to be a bit one-sided."

I can relate to this. I am never sure if someone is a friend or just an acquaintance. There was a time that I had people I believed were friends, but they turned out to be conditional friendships based around a shared interest.

Here is another article on how to be friends with someone on the autistic spectrum:

http://evilautie.org/2012/10/06/another-oldie-how-to-be-an-autistics-friend/

My concept of time.

It has become apparent to me recently  that my concept of time is different to neuro typical people. In particular I have no hope for the future, but I also don’t have any bad thoughts about the future. The best way to put it is that I don’t have any expectations.

I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. I can see from my diary that I have various business meetings next week and I am sure these will happen. I know that I will be going on holiday in June. I am certain that all these things will happen, but I have no special hopes or fears in advance of them happening. Any that I do have relate to other people’s expectations of these events or how comfortable I may feel when I am out of my usual routines.

I have no great plan for my life, no path to be steered, no real ambition.

At the same time I have no real existential doubt or fear of death. I know that one day I will die, but every day seems to be its own. I only exist in this moment and enjoy being here.

I don’t find this depressing at all. I am not disappointed with the way things work out as I have no preplanned expectations of them. Maybe I should feel guilty about this?

The down side is that I am quote poor at planning. I don’t see the urgency in things and when this is combined with my poor executive function then things get left to the last minute.

Do other people with Aspergers or high functioning autism have similar issues?

People with Aspergers reading habits

Saw an article here:
http://aspiewriter.com/2014/01/i-cannot-read-more-than-one-book-at-a-time.html

Left the following comment which I am putting here to refer back to:

I have the same issue. I read (and continue to read) series of novels by Ian Rankin. I did the same for William Golding – but at least he doesn’t write any more books. I went a bit like that over Doctor Who books – which was endless. I did read the complete F Scott Fitzgerald right through all the short stories and even letters. It actually puts me off trying to read novels. I get on better with plot driven novels so the ian Rankin crime ones work. I don’t do well with character driven novels or drama on TV.

I got a Kindle for Christmas to try and encourage my reading. So far it hasn't got anywhere. Thinking of reading some Sherlock Holmes (another one I have read the whole canon of).

Update:
I bought the complete Sherlock Holmes for Kindle here. A lot of US editions don;t have the final collection of stories called "The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes", but this one does - with original illustrations. Now o decide if i will read them in published order or chronological order.

Interesting article about a Mormon with Aspergers

Spotted today on Twitter.

It starts here and goes over several pages:
http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/13771#.Us1RFh7hWss.twitter

From page 2:

"After his therapist witnessed his reaction to speaking to strangers, she knew he needed some assistance for his time out in the field. Door approaches can be scary for any new missionary, but they gotta do it.
Since Z wasn’t responding with an on target response (squirming nearly to the floor from his chair was a good sign that the idea of ringing a doorbell and speaking to whomever answered was a sure sign he was not ready for this), he was asked to take a nine week social skills class, then wait for another evaluation and recommendation. Only then would he know IF he could serve. More if and then.
The tears were barely held back by him. I didn't try to suppress mine. All he wanted was to serve his Savior. "

How very sad. They don't have to do it - at all. Why force someone to do something they don't feel capable of?

An inability to accept criticism?

People have often said of me that I don't take criticism well. I have had a good think about it and it isn't really true. It only happens under certain conditions and this is what I think happens:

Usually it happens when I am trying to do something difficult and someone tries to help. This stops me concentrating on what I am trying to do and I feel I can;t do it, which leads to frustration. Then I start saying "just leave me to do it my way" or something similar.

I think the best example of this is in the band I play in where if I make a mistake and the conductor asks me to play it again, my nerves reduce me to a partial meltdown and I play worse the next time and can get angry. Just left to have a look at it I would be fine, but I am seen as not being able to take criticism and being a bit unreliable.

It's not quite that though, and i wish other people could understand.

Aspergers symptom of the day 30th December 2013

Went to see The Hobbit at the IMAX. The sound was so loud I spent the whole film tapping my feet to distract myself. I should have remembered this from my last visit to the IMAX and taken ear pugs.

Tiredness after socialising

A whole day socialising and I am exhausted. Just want a wee rest and some time to be on my own doing not very much. My senses feel a bit overloaded between the Christmas music, noise of the car and conversation. My ears are very sensitive tonight and in need of some quiet.

Aspergers symptom of the day 22nd December 2013

On the way to mum and dads with their Christmas presents I was pulled up for having addressed them "To mum love Asperscot" when they were supposed to be from myself and my fiancée. Unfortunately my reaction was "but that's factually correct, I bought them".  The truth is slightly more complex, I had been wrapping so many presentes in a short space of time I hadn't put personal messages on any of the tags.

Aspergers symptom of the day 20th December 2013

Today is my last day at work before an extended Christmas holiday.

SO = My significant other

SO: Can I give you a lift to work?
(background: she doesn't normally work near me and would have had to take a significant detour into rush hour traffic to get to my work)

ME: No, I will just take the bus as normal, it takes me right where I want to be.

Of course this was interpreted as me saying that my SO would not take me where I wanted to go. What I meant was, the bus would get me there so there was no need to go out of her way. I also wanted to be in my normal routine during my last day at work. We had a discussion about it and clarified what I meant but it shows how easy these misunderstandings can be.

Aspergers: how I was diagnosed and how it has affected my life.

I set this blog up a week ago with the intention of writing occasional articles about what it is like living with High Functioning Autism (HFA) or Aspergers Syndrome. Its odd that on the day I had intended writing my first post Susan Boyle announced that she has been diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome. The issue is therefore very current and is in the news.

If you would like to know what Aspergers is here is a list of some of some of the symptoms taken from the site of the Edinburgh and Lothians Asperger Society:

We describe Asperger syndrome as a different way of processing information and avoid using the negative terms 'suffering' and 'disorder'. This cognitive style is characterised by: 

• difficulties with small talk, banter, sarcasm and recognition of, and instinctive reactions to, subtle social cues and nonverbal signals such as gazes and body language. 

• Some individuals have little eye contact. difficulties with understanding what people are feeling. This varies from individual to individual. Though there is empathy, some individuals may display limited expression and so appear emotionless at times. 

• tendency to interpret language in a literal, sometimes pedantic way. tendency to be honest, fair, loyal and hard working. tendency to be anxious, particularly in social or sensorially overloading situations. vulnerability to information and sensory overload such as trying to follow a conversation when many people are talking at once with loud noise in the background . Similarly, some are very sensitive to bright lights, textures or temperature. Sensitivity levels vary from individual to individual, while some can be very sensitive, others can be under-sensitive. 

• tendency to have difficulties with making quick decisions, prioritising and undertaking several tasks simultaneously. 

• tendency to prefer repetitive behaviour and become focused on a narrow range of interests or thoughts. This trait can be area of strength and development for the individual. 

I started taking a greater interest in Aspergers and HFA a few weeks ago when investigating why I was so sensitive to temperature. Its possible it could be linked to my Aspergers, which is something I had not expected. I was diagnosed informally by a psychologist about five years ago when I was undergoing Interpersonal Psychotherapy for the symptoms of depression. The psychologist had asked me a lot of questions (which I now recognise from autism tests). Her view was that I was on the autistic spectrum, but was coping well with it and that she could teach me skills to help me with some of the issues stemming from it which had let to my depression. We then worked on various issues like eye contact and socialisation with me carrying out exercises like speaking to people in shops and practicing small talk. This undoubtedly helped, but I competely ignored the diagnosis until recently.

In retrospect its interesting how much of my life has been affected by Aspergers. I was born in the 60's so there was no knowledge of Aspergers at the time I was at school, but the signs were there. Here are some areas where it makes my daily life more difficult.

Fine motor skills and movement

As a child I had difficulty writing neatly and I still struggle with this. I have some tips which I will write an article about soon.
Dancing is almost impossible. I find my brain seizes up and I get very uncomfortable trying to move out of the norm.

Self stimulatory behaviour (AKA "stimming")

As a child I used to spin round and round in a circle a lot. Then I went through phases of biting my fingers, to the point of damaging the skin (but not as a self harming activity). To some extent I still dot his, but I also touch my face a lot and I know this appears odd to other people.

Tight clothing

I don't like wearing tight or rough clothing, I never have done, and I don't mean dislike, I mean almost at the level of a phobia. I also can't sleep in beds with heavy or tight bedding on the top. I feel completely trapped and have to get out. Not a problem at home, but hotels and bed and breakfasts can be difficult.

Intellectual abilities 

I learned to read very early, but had difficulty with interpreting what I was reading. The school intervened to help with this. I have always had a better than average vocabulary. I am quite poor with numbers, which may be unusual for people with Aspergers, but I have a great ability to spot patterns, particularly in music.

Obsessive behaviours

Intense interest in certain subjects for a period of time. Cataloguing or having complete sets of things - and then abandoning them!

I have one or two life long obsessions and feel uncomfortable when I can't pursue them or carry out my normal routine. As a child I tended to collect things in an odd way (even collecting used crisp bags in the school play ground which was explained by my mother as me just being tidy and picking up after people - it was really the sets of colours).

"Meltdowns"

Sometimes I get so overloaded with people talking to me or wanting things from me I just fall apart, although with me this is emotional rather than angry outbursts. For this to happen there has to be a fair amount of background stimuli and a trigger.

Repetitive behaviour and routines 

I have a very tight routine because I feel that without it I would lose focus and not get anything done. I use lists and if I can't stick to my routine I get very frustrated and agitated.

Speech and communication 

• I don’t understand teasing at all. I take things quite literally and have problems understanding nuances of conversation. At the same time I am quite unprejudiced - perhaps trusting when others might see they were being manipulated. 
• I don’t like using the phone and put off calling people because I am never sure what they mean when I can't see their faces. 
• I often talk too much about my own interests and my mind wanders when I should be listening. 
• My face tends not to react to people saying things and have one expression most of the time. 
• I am unable to concentrate on multiple things at the same time (so I can’t eat and hold a discussion at the same time). 
• I generally struggle to read fiction regularly, but novel's which are plot driven rather than character driven are easier (e.g. crime procedural novels). 

Sensory

• I don’t like loud noises (like washing machines) or sudden bangs. I am slightly sensitive to light. I have poor temperature control - feel cold or hot, but not in relation to the ambient temperature context. 
• Eating food in order, not mixed up, as I find the flavour goes to yuck if its mixed up.

Interpersonal skills

• I have no close friends other than my fiancee (who is a miracle). Unsure how to make friends, don't feel part of group conversations, don't know when to contribute. 
• I have not had a career, but pursued interests and obsessions in ways that allow me to make a living. 
• Although I have trained myself to cope with social situations I then collapse in a heap and need a lot of time to recover from it.
• Have a need to be by myself to recharge after lots of social interaction. 

Internal psychology

• I follow routines and if I can’t do certain things I get stressed. I dislike travel because of this change of routine. 
• Strong internal monologue. I am constantly describing what I am doing or going to be doing. Apparently this is abnormal although I have heard of non Aspergers people describing this phenomenon when they are waiting in a queue to be served and rehearsing what they are going to say. I experience that too and its the same internal voice.
• Dissociation - feeling like I am not quite in the world - leads to me observing rather than participating. 
• Underlying high levels of anxiety, although I have learned how to control this.

How I have tried to overcome some of these 

• I use fountain pens which have less resistance on the paper and I try to write with long up and down strokes so my brain knows where my fingers are and my handwriting improves. 
• I try to vary or control my repetitive movements by being more aware of how I might appear to other people. Effectively I am acting constantly which is the main reason I get so tired.
• I am trying to learn how to dance without looking awkward - by learning set formal dances that I can follow.
• I work to stop myself dominating conversation. I have taught myself to ask particular questions of other people like “how are you” and to act on their response. 
• I consciously try to ask questions during a conversation to clear up any ambiguity (like “what do you mean”). 
• To concentrate on a conversation I try to treat it as a story. 
• With dinner meetings I will eat beforehand and toy with my food so I am actually conversing rather than trying to converse and eat. 
• I make an effort not to talk about myself or my interests. When I do, I stick to one interest I have which others seem to be able to relate to (music).
• I carry sunglasses to deal with bright light situations and I sometimes use in ear earphones to reduce noise.

Overall I am able to “correct” some of these behaviours to some extent in social situations, but I find it quite exhausting. My batteries seem to need a lot of recharging which on its own is antisocial as I need a lot of time on my own.

Concluding thoughts

There seems to be a general feeling that people with Aspergers or HFA are "disabled" and will not achieve. From reading the comments of parents with Apsergers children there does seem to be an expectation of failure by some of them (especially in the USA). This may be true for some, but for those who had it before it was recognised we just had to get on as best as we could (I was referred to a child psychologist at the age of 10 for all these symptoms but nothing was thought to be specifically wring with me). Somehow I have managed to hold myself together to my mid 40's with only a couple of "train crashes". I have been married once and have three children. I am about to remarry. I have had a number of high level jobs. However, I do recognise that I my Aspergers has prevented me from reaching my full potential.

I feel quite strongly that a lot of these modifications I make to my behaviour are in order to make me more acceptable to others rather than helping me to live better. I resent having to be something I am not for so much of the time.

I hope to write more about how I cope and how I think society should learn to be more accepting of some of the traits of people living with Aspergers.