Aspergers symptom of the day 30th December 2013

Went to see The Hobbit at the IMAX. The sound was so loud I spent the whole film tapping my feet to distract myself. I should have remembered this from my last visit to the IMAX and taken ear pugs.

Tiredness after socialising

A whole day socialising and I am exhausted. Just want a wee rest and some time to be on my own doing not very much. My senses feel a bit overloaded between the Christmas music, noise of the car and conversation. My ears are very sensitive tonight and in need of some quiet.

Aspergers symptom of the day 22nd December 2013

On the way to mum and dads with their Christmas presents I was pulled up for having addressed them "To mum love Asperscot" when they were supposed to be from myself and my fiancée. Unfortunately my reaction was "but that's factually correct, I bought them".  The truth is slightly more complex, I had been wrapping so many presentes in a short space of time I hadn't put personal messages on any of the tags.

Aspergers symptom of the day 20th December 2013

Today is my last day at work before an extended Christmas holiday.

SO = My significant other

SO: Can I give you a lift to work?
(background: she doesn't normally work near me and would have had to take a significant detour into rush hour traffic to get to my work)

ME: No, I will just take the bus as normal, it takes me right where I want to be.

Of course this was interpreted as me saying that my SO would not take me where I wanted to go. What I meant was, the bus would get me there so there was no need to go out of her way. I also wanted to be in my normal routine during my last day at work. We had a discussion about it and clarified what I meant but it shows how easy these misunderstandings can be.

Aspergers: how I was diagnosed and how it has affected my life.

I set this blog up a week ago with the intention of writing occasional articles about what it is like living with High Functioning Autism (HFA) or Aspergers Syndrome. Its odd that on the day I had intended writing my first post Susan Boyle announced that she has been diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome. The issue is therefore very current and is in the news.

If you would like to know what Aspergers is here is a list of some of some of the symptoms taken from the site of the Edinburgh and Lothians Asperger Society:

We describe Asperger syndrome as a different way of processing information and avoid using the negative terms 'suffering' and 'disorder'. This cognitive style is characterised by: 

• difficulties with small talk, banter, sarcasm and recognition of, and instinctive reactions to, subtle social cues and nonverbal signals such as gazes and body language. 

• Some individuals have little eye contact. difficulties with understanding what people are feeling. This varies from individual to individual. Though there is empathy, some individuals may display limited expression and so appear emotionless at times. 

• tendency to interpret language in a literal, sometimes pedantic way. tendency to be honest, fair, loyal and hard working. tendency to be anxious, particularly in social or sensorially overloading situations. vulnerability to information and sensory overload such as trying to follow a conversation when many people are talking at once with loud noise in the background . Similarly, some are very sensitive to bright lights, textures or temperature. Sensitivity levels vary from individual to individual, while some can be very sensitive, others can be under-sensitive. 

• tendency to have difficulties with making quick decisions, prioritising and undertaking several tasks simultaneously. 

• tendency to prefer repetitive behaviour and become focused on a narrow range of interests or thoughts. This trait can be area of strength and development for the individual. 

I started taking a greater interest in Aspergers and HFA a few weeks ago when investigating why I was so sensitive to temperature. Its possible it could be linked to my Aspergers, which is something I had not expected. I was diagnosed informally by a psychologist about five years ago when I was undergoing Interpersonal Psychotherapy for the symptoms of depression. The psychologist had asked me a lot of questions (which I now recognise from autism tests). Her view was that I was on the autistic spectrum, but was coping well with it and that she could teach me skills to help me with some of the issues stemming from it which had let to my depression. We then worked on various issues like eye contact and socialisation with me carrying out exercises like speaking to people in shops and practicing small talk. This undoubtedly helped, but I competely ignored the diagnosis until recently.

In retrospect its interesting how much of my life has been affected by Aspergers. I was born in the 60's so there was no knowledge of Aspergers at the time I was at school, but the signs were there. Here are some areas where it makes my daily life more difficult.

Fine motor skills and movement

As a child I had difficulty writing neatly and I still struggle with this. I have some tips which I will write an article about soon.
Dancing is almost impossible. I find my brain seizes up and I get very uncomfortable trying to move out of the norm.

Self stimulatory behaviour (AKA "stimming")

As a child I used to spin round and round in a circle a lot. Then I went through phases of biting my fingers, to the point of damaging the skin (but not as a self harming activity). To some extent I still dot his, but I also touch my face a lot and I know this appears odd to other people.

Tight clothing

I don't like wearing tight or rough clothing, I never have done, and I don't mean dislike, I mean almost at the level of a phobia. I also can't sleep in beds with heavy or tight bedding on the top. I feel completely trapped and have to get out. Not a problem at home, but hotels and bed and breakfasts can be difficult.

Intellectual abilities 

I learned to read very early, but had difficulty with interpreting what I was reading. The school intervened to help with this. I have always had a better than average vocabulary. I am quite poor with numbers, which may be unusual for people with Aspergers, but I have a great ability to spot patterns, particularly in music.

Obsessive behaviours

Intense interest in certain subjects for a period of time. Cataloguing or having complete sets of things - and then abandoning them!

I have one or two life long obsessions and feel uncomfortable when I can't pursue them or carry out my normal routine. As a child I tended to collect things in an odd way (even collecting used crisp bags in the school play ground which was explained by my mother as me just being tidy and picking up after people - it was really the sets of colours).

"Meltdowns"

Sometimes I get so overloaded with people talking to me or wanting things from me I just fall apart, although with me this is emotional rather than angry outbursts. For this to happen there has to be a fair amount of background stimuli and a trigger.

Repetitive behaviour and routines 

I have a very tight routine because I feel that without it I would lose focus and not get anything done. I use lists and if I can't stick to my routine I get very frustrated and agitated.

Speech and communication 

• I don’t understand teasing at all. I take things quite literally and have problems understanding nuances of conversation. At the same time I am quite unprejudiced - perhaps trusting when others might see they were being manipulated. 
• I don’t like using the phone and put off calling people because I am never sure what they mean when I can't see their faces. 
• I often talk too much about my own interests and my mind wanders when I should be listening. 
• My face tends not to react to people saying things and have one expression most of the time. 
• I am unable to concentrate on multiple things at the same time (so I can’t eat and hold a discussion at the same time). 
• I generally struggle to read fiction regularly, but novel's which are plot driven rather than character driven are easier (e.g. crime procedural novels). 

Sensory

• I don’t like loud noises (like washing machines) or sudden bangs. I am slightly sensitive to light. I have poor temperature control - feel cold or hot, but not in relation to the ambient temperature context. 
• Eating food in order, not mixed up, as I find the flavour goes to yuck if its mixed up.

Interpersonal skills

• I have no close friends other than my fiancee (who is a miracle). Unsure how to make friends, don't feel part of group conversations, don't know when to contribute. 
• I have not had a career, but pursued interests and obsessions in ways that allow me to make a living. 
• Although I have trained myself to cope with social situations I then collapse in a heap and need a lot of time to recover from it.
• Have a need to be by myself to recharge after lots of social interaction. 

Internal psychology

• I follow routines and if I can’t do certain things I get stressed. I dislike travel because of this change of routine. 
• Strong internal monologue. I am constantly describing what I am doing or going to be doing. Apparently this is abnormal although I have heard of non Aspergers people describing this phenomenon when they are waiting in a queue to be served and rehearsing what they are going to say. I experience that too and its the same internal voice.
• Dissociation - feeling like I am not quite in the world - leads to me observing rather than participating. 
• Underlying high levels of anxiety, although I have learned how to control this.

How I have tried to overcome some of these 

• I use fountain pens which have less resistance on the paper and I try to write with long up and down strokes so my brain knows where my fingers are and my handwriting improves. 
• I try to vary or control my repetitive movements by being more aware of how I might appear to other people. Effectively I am acting constantly which is the main reason I get so tired.
• I am trying to learn how to dance without looking awkward - by learning set formal dances that I can follow.
• I work to stop myself dominating conversation. I have taught myself to ask particular questions of other people like “how are you” and to act on their response. 
• I consciously try to ask questions during a conversation to clear up any ambiguity (like “what do you mean”). 
• To concentrate on a conversation I try to treat it as a story. 
• With dinner meetings I will eat beforehand and toy with my food so I am actually conversing rather than trying to converse and eat. 
• I make an effort not to talk about myself or my interests. When I do, I stick to one interest I have which others seem to be able to relate to (music).
• I carry sunglasses to deal with bright light situations and I sometimes use in ear earphones to reduce noise.

Overall I am able to “correct” some of these behaviours to some extent in social situations, but I find it quite exhausting. My batteries seem to need a lot of recharging which on its own is antisocial as I need a lot of time on my own.

Concluding thoughts

There seems to be a general feeling that people with Aspergers or HFA are "disabled" and will not achieve. From reading the comments of parents with Apsergers children there does seem to be an expectation of failure by some of them (especially in the USA). This may be true for some, but for those who had it before it was recognised we just had to get on as best as we could (I was referred to a child psychologist at the age of 10 for all these symptoms but nothing was thought to be specifically wring with me). Somehow I have managed to hold myself together to my mid 40's with only a couple of "train crashes". I have been married once and have three children. I am about to remarry. I have had a number of high level jobs. However, I do recognise that I my Aspergers has prevented me from reaching my full potential.

I feel quite strongly that a lot of these modifications I make to my behaviour are in order to make me more acceptable to others rather than helping me to live better. I resent having to be something I am not for so much of the time.

I hope to write more about how I cope and how I think society should learn to be more accepting of some of the traits of people living with Aspergers.