Work meltdown imminent.

Arrived at work this morning on the verge of a melt down. I will do my best to avoid it, but its not going to be easy.

Accepting my limitations.

One of the advantages of knowing I have Aspergers syndrome is that it has allowed me to accept my limitations. I used to get very frustrated that I was not sociable enough, or not able to learn the same way others do, or was easily distracted or absorbed by things. These days I worry less about this because I know there is very little ability for me to change these things.

I used to feel that I should have made more of myself in my career or in my musical activities, but now I realise I have done very well at these things and realistically could not have gone any further with them.

I have a very happy life and am very content.

Poor muscle tone with Aspergers Syndrome

An interesting article on what "poor muscle tone" means by Gavin Bollard:

"Low muscle tone refers mainly to the distribution of muscles on the body, their initial state, speed and stamina. The affected muscles can be "trained" but that training won't come from sport or from and normal gym/weight training. It comes from some very specialized training - and it won't be 100% effective. In young children, the problems of low muscle tone will reduce in severity as they get older - up to about the age of 10, though aspies will likely continue to adjust and compensate for the rest of their lives."

Read the full article here:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.co.uk/2008/04/what-does-low-muscle-tone-hyptonia-mean.html

How this affects me:

I have always had very flexible finger, toe and ankle joints. I also have quite poor fine motor skills and the combination of the two means that I have posture, grip and occasional injury issues. Its not the end of the world, but it is definitely a feature of my Aspergers.

Autism and evolution

There is some talk in the Aspergers community that Aspergers syndrome could be an indication of a next stage of evolution leading to a more advanced human. I disagree. I I think there are a number of features of autism which point to earlier forms of the human brain rather than future ones.

Temperature control problems – possibly related to the adaptations that took place during evolution from cold blooded to warm blooded. I am writing this with one painfully cold hand and one hot hand!

Identifying food by simple known flavours – possibly related to having to identify safe foods.

“Self obsession” – Its not selfishness but linked to survival, putting personal needs first.

Difficulties with tight or itchy clothing

Sensitivity to being touched – detection of close threat through hairs.

Sensitivity to sharp sounds – ditto.

This list could be expanded.

In fact I see a lot of similarity between my autistic traits and those of some animals. Its as if my brain is slightly wired up like those of my distant ancestors.

However, I can see some of these traits having an evolutionary advantage. For example, in a world where people are becoming more individualised and friendship is being redefined around social media and  people don't  interacting socially with each other as much as they used to,  an autistic person is likely to be able to survive better as they do not miss that social interaction. Also, dating is easier for autistic people nowadays because of online dating. There is therefore a greater chance of us marrying, having children and passing on our genes.

What do you think?

Good article about the concept of friendship for autistic people from @aspieretro

Interesting article discussing friendship and the concept of "best friend" from someone with Aspergers:

http://www.mindretrofit.com/2013/12/29/i-dont-have-a-bestie/

"Several of them shared the similar patterns requesting my time and attention when needed, but they had other friends who fulfilled their other needs – the more fun, entertaining, types of things. I am goof ball and I did share in a lot of fun and silliness, but for them it was not the same. I get serious too quickly. I talk about things that people do not want to think about. My goofiness comes and my oddities make them laugh, but it is not the same. We did not share in the same ways as they shared with other friends. I understand that, but it makes for a lonely feeling at times. I never truly feel alone, alone because I am comfortable with myself. I find pleasure in being silly with myself. I make myself laugh all the time. I find creatures to be quite good friends – though the conversations tend to be a bit one-sided."

I can relate to this. I am never sure if someone is a friend or just an acquaintance. There was a time that I had people I believed were friends, but they turned out to be conditional friendships based around a shared interest.

Here is another article on how to be friends with someone on the autistic spectrum:

http://evilautie.org/2012/10/06/another-oldie-how-to-be-an-autistics-friend/

My concept of time.

It has become apparent to me recently  that my concept of time is different to neuro typical people. In particular I have no hope for the future, but I also don’t have any bad thoughts about the future. The best way to put it is that I don’t have any expectations.

I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. I can see from my diary that I have various business meetings next week and I am sure these will happen. I know that I will be going on holiday in June. I am certain that all these things will happen, but I have no special hopes or fears in advance of them happening. Any that I do have relate to other people’s expectations of these events or how comfortable I may feel when I am out of my usual routines.

I have no great plan for my life, no path to be steered, no real ambition.

At the same time I have no real existential doubt or fear of death. I know that one day I will die, but every day seems to be its own. I only exist in this moment and enjoy being here.

I don’t find this depressing at all. I am not disappointed with the way things work out as I have no preplanned expectations of them. Maybe I should feel guilty about this?

The down side is that I am quote poor at planning. I don’t see the urgency in things and when this is combined with my poor executive function then things get left to the last minute.

Do other people with Aspergers or high functioning autism have similar issues?

People with Aspergers reading habits

Saw an article here:
http://aspiewriter.com/2014/01/i-cannot-read-more-than-one-book-at-a-time.html

Left the following comment which I am putting here to refer back to:

I have the same issue. I read (and continue to read) series of novels by Ian Rankin. I did the same for William Golding – but at least he doesn’t write any more books. I went a bit like that over Doctor Who books – which was endless. I did read the complete F Scott Fitzgerald right through all the short stories and even letters. It actually puts me off trying to read novels. I get on better with plot driven novels so the ian Rankin crime ones work. I don’t do well with character driven novels or drama on TV.

I got a Kindle for Christmas to try and encourage my reading. So far it hasn't got anywhere. Thinking of reading some Sherlock Holmes (another one I have read the whole canon of).

Update:
I bought the complete Sherlock Holmes for Kindle here. A lot of US editions don;t have the final collection of stories called "The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes", but this one does - with original illustrations. Now o decide if i will read them in published order or chronological order.

Interesting article about a Mormon with Aspergers

Spotted today on Twitter.

It starts here and goes over several pages:
http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/13771#.Us1RFh7hWss.twitter

From page 2:

"After his therapist witnessed his reaction to speaking to strangers, she knew he needed some assistance for his time out in the field. Door approaches can be scary for any new missionary, but they gotta do it.
Since Z wasn’t responding with an on target response (squirming nearly to the floor from his chair was a good sign that the idea of ringing a doorbell and speaking to whomever answered was a sure sign he was not ready for this), he was asked to take a nine week social skills class, then wait for another evaluation and recommendation. Only then would he know IF he could serve. More if and then.
The tears were barely held back by him. I didn't try to suppress mine. All he wanted was to serve his Savior. "

How very sad. They don't have to do it - at all. Why force someone to do something they don't feel capable of?

An inability to accept criticism?

People have often said of me that I don't take criticism well. I have had a good think about it and it isn't really true. It only happens under certain conditions and this is what I think happens:

Usually it happens when I am trying to do something difficult and someone tries to help. This stops me concentrating on what I am trying to do and I feel I can;t do it, which leads to frustration. Then I start saying "just leave me to do it my way" or something similar.

I think the best example of this is in the band I play in where if I make a mistake and the conductor asks me to play it again, my nerves reduce me to a partial meltdown and I play worse the next time and can get angry. Just left to have a look at it I would be fine, but I am seen as not being able to take criticism and being a bit unreliable.

It's not quite that though, and i wish other people could understand.